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Thursday, December 27, 2012
A Night Not To Remember
Emily Yoffe Photograph by Teresa Castracane.
Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click here to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)
Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers each Monday at noon. The next chat will be held on Jan. 7 of the new year.
Dear Prudence,
I'm a 23-year-old professional woman living with a close friend. A few months ago, we were out with a big group and everyone was drinking. My roommate was very drunk and ended up having sex with a guy I work with who was also extremely drunk. The next day, they woke up together, but neither of them remembered how they ended up there. She was very upset because she didn't remember consenting to sex. I believe they were both too intoxicated to consent, but I also don't think that he took advantage of her. Since then he and I have become good friends. Recently, I mentioned to my roommate that he?ll be at an upcoming party. She freaked out, forbade me from saying his name, and went on a tirade about how she couldn?t go and that I shouldn't either. I don?t blame her for being upset, but I don't think it's fair to blame him. He and his roommate overlap many of our social circles, so she?s definitely going to run into him. I think that she should go to therapy, to try and work through what happened to her. But I'm not sure how to say that, or if it's even appropriate. Please help!
Dear Bottle,
Finally, a letter that convinces me that my frequently stated stance against drunkenness is wrong and that I?ve been too censorious. I can now appreciate that excessive alcohol intake is just a delightful social (and sexual) lubricant. Getting so hammered that you don?t know what you?re doing enables you wake up in mysterious locales and have intimate adventures with people whose names you haven?t quite committed to memory! I know a case can be made that because your friend was intoxicated she was unable to give consent, therefore she was raped. Some will argue she should pursue this case legally. But if the story is as you say?two young people voluntarily had too much to drink and were too much in the bag to make a rational decision about how to consummate the evening?I think seeing herself as a victim would keep your friend psychologically stuck, and turning the guy over to the police would have the potential to unnecessarily ruin his life. Imagine watching a remake of Knocked Up in which the Seth Rogen character ends up on the sex offender registry. Your friend's unfortunate one-night stand should help her realize she needs to learn the difference between taking the edge off and ending up in a walking blackout, and how to stay on the right side of that line. I think your friend needs to see a therapist, not to explore the wrong that was done to her, but to help her process this regretted evening and get her to the point where she can comfortably be in this guy?s presence. You should say that as her friend you?ve become concerned that she hasn?t gotten past this event and that it?s affecting her enjoyment of life. Tell her that you think some focused therapy will help her regain her composure and confidence.
Dear Prudence,
I have a dear friend who has two children the same age my as mine. Our older children never clicked, but our younger ones are best buddies. My friend's older child, a 13-year-old, has some behavioral issues. The child is very bright, but has a terrible temper and says awful things to my friend and the younger sibling, some of which I've heard. He?s broken things and made threatening comments. My friend is getting him help (therapy, medication, etc.), but I?m concerned about allowing my younger one to play over there. Frankly, I'm afraid of what the older child might say or do and he scares me. My friend has mentioned having my younger one for a sleepover on a few occasions, but I'm not comfortable. Should I just keep inviting hers to play at our home? My friend knows something's up, but neither one of us has addressed it. I know it?s difficult dealing with a child with these issues, and I don't want to add to her stress or risk damaging our friendship.
Dear Mum,
In light of the horror of Newtown, many more people are going to be looking warily at hostile, troubled kids. It?s really important to keep in mind that very few of these children are truly threatening. They cause agony for themselves and their families, but they rarely become violent. Your friend has been dealing with a heartbreaking situation for years and deserves your kindness and support. But as close as you are, apparently she has not confided in you about her concerns over her older child, so I think you should follow her lead. You have to trust your instincts. Her 13-year-old has made disturbing comments and you just aren?t comfortable leaving your younger child around him. That?s fair enough. So you just need to keep countering her sleepover offers by saying you?d rather host. If she asks you point blank what?s up, say that you know she is doing everything possible to help her older one deal with his temper, but for now you think it?s easier to let the little ones play at your house. Tell her how much you admire how she?s handled this difficult situation. Let?s hope all these kids, and their families, find more resources to get the help they need.
Dear Prudence,
I'm a cute-enough, slim-figured marathoner and academic who will be turning 35 in January. Before I reach my birthday, as is the case every year, I will have figured out a socially acceptable way to spend New Year's. But as of late, I?ve had an unexpectedly acute onset of night sobbing, loss of sleep, and have been isolating myself from discussions that involve weddings or kids. I feel like I need to get used to the idea that I might not ever have children or a companion. Although I'd like to find someone, I've lost interest in being set up by friends and getting gussied up to go out. I've done 15 years of it. This impending birthday has me stuck and terrorized. Every solution I come up with just makes me feel more isolated. Help.
Source: http://feeds.slate.com/click.phdo?i=605ae3fcad80d5f9cce6c7c31ba5a2d1
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Wednesday, December 26, 2012
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Newspaper's handgun-permit map draws criticism
NEW YORK (AP) ? A newspaper's publication of the names and addresses of handgun permit holders in two New York counties has sparked online discussions ? and a healthy dose of outrage.
The Journal News, a Gannett Co. newspaper covering three counties in the Hudson Valley north of New York City and operating the website lohud.com, posted a story Sunday detailing a public-records request it filed to obtain the information.
The 1,800-word story headlined, "The gun owner next door: What you don't know about the weapons in your neighborhood," said the information was sought after the Dec. 14 school shooting in Newtown, Conn., about 50 miles northeast of the paper's headquarters in White Plains. A gunman killed his mother, drove to an elementary school and massacred 20 first-graders and six adults, then shot himself. All the weapons used were legally owned by his mother.
The Journal News story includes comments from both sides of the gun-rights debate and presents the data as answering concerns of those who would like to know whether there are guns in their neighborhood. It reports that about 44,000 people in Westchester, Putnam and Rockland counties are licensed to own a handgun, and that rifles and shotguns can be purchased without a permit.
It was accompanied online by maps of the results for Westchester and Rockland counties; similar details had not yet been provided by Putnam County. A reader clicking on the maps can see the name and address of each pistol or revolver permit holder. Accompanying text states that inclusion does not necessarily mean that an individual owns a weapon, just who obtained a license.
By Wednesday afternoon, the maps had shared about 30,000 times on Facebook and other social media.
Most online comments have criticized the publication of the data, and many suggest it puts the permit holders in danger because criminals have a guide to places they can steal guns. Others maintain it tells criminals who does not have a gun and may be easier to victimize, or where to find law enforcement figures against whom they might hold a grudge.
Some responded by publicizing the home addresses and phone numbers of the reporter who wrote the piece, along with other journalists at the paper and even senior executives of Gannett. Many echoed the idea that publicizing gun permit holders' names is tantamount to accusing them of doing something wrong, comparing the move to publishing lists of registered sex offenders.
The Journal News is standing behind the project but did not immediately return phone calls seeking comment. It said in the story that it published a similar list in 2006.
"New York residents have the right to own guns with a permit and they also have a right to access public information," Janet Hasson, president and publisher of The Journal News Media Group, said in a story the paper published about the response to the database.
Roy Clark, a senior scholar at the Poynter Institute, a Florida-based journalism think tank, said publishing the data was "too indiscriminate."
He, too, compared the maps to similar efforts involving sex-offender registries or lists of those arrested for driving under the influence, noting that such a move is usually done to indicate a serious problem that requires a neighbor or parent to maintain vigilance.
"You get the connotation that somehow there's something essentially wrong with this behavior," he said of the gun permit database.
"My predisposition is to support the journalism," Clark said. "I want to be persuaded that this story or this practice has some higher social purpose, but I can't find it."
Also common among the comments on the lohud.com were suggestions about suing the paper for violating permit-holders' privacy rights. Such a move would likely be unsuccessful.
"The media has no liability for publishing public information," said Edward Rudofsky, a First Amendment attorney at Zane and Rudofsky in New York. The issue does present a clash between First and Second amendment rights, he said, but in general, the law protects publishing public information unless the intent was to harm someone.
Source: http://news.yahoo.com/newspapers-handgun-permit-map-draws-criticism-193548256.html
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Obama cuts vacation short as 'fiscal cliff' looms
President Barack Obama speaks as he and first lady Michelle Obama, not seen, arrive to visit with members of the military and their families in Anderson Hall at Marine Corp Base Hawaii, Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2012, in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. The first family is in Hawaii for a holiday vacation. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)
President Barack Obama speaks as he and first lady Michelle Obama, not seen, arrive to visit with members of the military and their families in Anderson Hall at Marine Corp Base Hawaii, Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2012, in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. The first family is in Hawaii for a holiday vacation. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)
President Barack Obama visits with members of the military and their families in Anderson Hall at Marine Corp Base Hawaii, Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2012, in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. The first family is in Hawaii for a holiday vacation. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)
President Barack Obama speaks as first lady Michelle Obama listens during a visit with members of the military and their families in Anderson Hall at Marine Corp Base Hawaii, Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2012, in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. The first family is in Hawaii for a holiday vacation. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)
President Barack Obama speaks as first lady Michelle Obama listens during a visit with members of the military and their families in Anderson Hall at Marine Corp Base Hawaii, Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2012, in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. The first family is in Hawaii for a holiday vacation. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)
President Barack Obama visits with members of the military and their families in Anderson Hall at Marine Corp Base Hawaii, Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2012, in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. The first family is in Hawaii for a holiday vacation. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)
HONOLULU (AP) ? With a yearend deadline looming before the economy goes over the so-called fiscal cliff, President Barack Obama is cutting short his traditional Christmas holiday in Hawaii, planning to leave for Washington on Wednesday evening.
Obama was expected to arrive in Washington early Thursday, the White House said late Tuesday. First lady Michelle Obama and the couple's two daughters are scheduled to remain in Hawaii until Jan. 6.
In the past, the president's end-of-the-year holiday in his native state had stretched into the new year. The first family left Washington last Friday night.
Congress was expected to return to Washington on Thursday. Before he departed for Hawaii, Obama told reporters he expected to be back in the capital this week.
Without action by Obama and Congress, automatic budget cuts and tax increases are set to begin in January, which many economists say could send the country back into recession. So far, the president and congressional Republicans have been unable to reach agreement on any alternatives.
Lawmakers have expressed little but pessimism for the prospect of an agreement coming before Jan. 1. On Sunday, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas, said she expects any action in the waning days of the year to be "a patch because in four days we can't solve everything."
With the collapse last week of House Speaker John Boehner's plan to allow tax rates to rise on million-dollar-plus incomes, lawmakers were increasingly worried that no deal can be reached.
They were already preparing their arguments about who is to blame if the new year comes without an agreement.
Obama already has scaled back his ambitions for a sweeping budget bargain. Before leaving the capital on Friday, he called for a limited measure that extends George W. Bush-era tax cuts for most people and staves off federal spending cuts.
The Obamas were spending the holiday at a rented home near Honolulu. On Christmas Day, the president and first lady visited with members of the military to express thanks for their service.
"One of my favorite things is always coming to base on Christmas Day just to meet you and say 'thank you,'" the president said at Marine Corps Base Hawaii's Anderson Hall. He said that being commander in chief was his greatest honor as president.
Obama took photos with individual service members and their families.
On Christmas Eve, Obama called members of the military to thank them for serving the nation, then joined his family for dinner, the White House said. The Obamas opened gifts Christmas morning, ate breakfast and sang carols.
Friends were joining the Obamas for Christmas dinner Tuesday night, the White House said.
___
Reach Matthew Daly on Twitter: https://twitter.com/MatthewDalyWDC
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PFT: Tebow upset he never started this season
ReutersThe day after multiple reports emerged that Jets quarterback Tim Tebow tapped out of the Wildcat package because he wasn?t picked to be the starter in Week 16, the effort continues to put the toothpaste back in the tube.
On Sunday, Tebow was asked why he didn?t appear in the alternative offense, which instead saw receiver Jeremy Kerley taking snaps.? ?It just kind of happens,? Tebow said.
On Monday, after multiple sources said that Tebow had specifically asked for it to happen after he was told he wouldn?t be starting, Tebow didn?t address the question of whether he had asked to be left out of the Wildcat package in an interview with ESPN?s Adam Schefter.
Now, coach Rex Ryan has tackled the topic while evading the one key piece of information in which everyone is interested.? According to Manish Mehta of the New York Daily News, Ryan chose not to share the details of his communications with Tebow.
And all that that implies.
?I?ve been transparent and all that stuff without question, but I?m not going to give you a private conversation that I would have with a player,? Ryan said in a conference call with reporters.? ?That?s between him and I.? If he wants to share whatever the conversation is ? Tim or anybody else ? that?s up to him.?
Ryan is treading on delicate ground, given that he and Tebow are both represented by the same agent, CAA?s Jimmy Sexton.? As a result, Ryan will say nothing publicly that damages Tebow?s carefully-cultivated team-first-team-only-thank-you-sir-may-I-have-another fa?ade.
?If I would have asked Tim to play in anything,? Ryan said.? ?Tim would have gone into the game and done that.?
Right.? If Ryan would have asked.? But that overlooks the question of whether Tebow had asked Ryan not to ask.
While some have suggested (including Peter King, in the video appearing below) that Tebow?s position was understandable given the manner in which he has been jerked around by the Jets, Tebow has tried for years to make us think that he?s the kind of guy who never would make such a request due to frustration regarding his role.? And for the Tebow skeptics out there who believe that much of who he is and what he is has been carefully orchestrated and manipulated, Sunday?s reports reflect the most significant and tangible proof that there?s a man behind the curtain who is far more flawed and far more human than the image that Tebow?s camp has been selling.
At this point, Tebow?s best move would be to admit it.
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Tuesday, December 25, 2012
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